JillyBeans

Today was such a longgg day. Between a 2 hour and a 3 hour class back to back then waiting for a half hour for the bus, then an hour ride home, I am worn out. I calculated that there are only 20 more school days until winter break and I don't know about you but I can't wait. I am super excited to start snowboarding (i just got a new board and boots...pink! so cute!). I just need a break from all this nonsense around here and just get away for a while and give my mind a chance to recharge because it is FRIED right now. This semester hasn't even been all the stressful class wise, but I am just exhausted...go figure. Anywhoo, things are kinda boring lately. I hope something exciting happens soooooooon.
Later Days
X's and O's
JillianVita

So registration is right around the corner and I just KNOW that the Pace offices will do something to screw me over, oh joy, I cannot wait! I don't even know what classes I want to take because I'm not a business major anymore...even better for my registration process. Anyway, today was kind of a chill day. I have my Painting class early this morning and started a new painting, it's really chic. So far it's just a sketch but it's a still life of kitten heel shoes, my prada bag and the playbill from rent. It's super NYC, I really like it and can't wait to start (and finish) painting it. Anyway, my stupid molar is coming in...can you believe it? 19 years old and still teething! Only me. So yea, besides all that, today was pretty relaxing and my boyfriend is starting his own business which is awesome! He's customizing cars and distributing parts for this big company...go Jason! That's about it for now. LATER DAYS!
X's and O's
JillianVita

So it's like a quarter to 2 in the morning on a Friday night and I just got home from running. I know it's pretty weird to go running after midnight in brooklyn, but I had to. I had so much pent up frustration and I had to release it somehow. I needed to do something alone to just think. I just have had so much on my mind lately and can't really figure out what I should do to sort everything out. My boyfriend and I really really aren't getting along at all lately. I feel trapped. Like I can't do everything I want to do and can't not do something he wants me to do. He and I just do not see eye to eye anymore. I don't know what to do or what to say to just make things better. I'm not the type of person to just hold anything back or hide the way I really feel. I'm not going to pretend as though nothings wrong or that I'm just happy and smiley about everything. Besides which, that would just make the situation worse because then I would be holding everything inside until I just couldn't take it anymore and just explode one day. Trust me, me exploding is NOT a good thing. I take no prisoners. I guess I'm just left to deal with everything on my own, in my own way. I really feel as though I should have either went away for college or at least dormed. I have been reading and grading journals from my UNV 101 class and even with them is seems like overall the dorming students are having more fun than the commuters, in every sense of the word. I wish I could just get away from everything and have my own life once in a while. Being under pressure from school and feeling like I have to prove something to everyone every second of the day is really killing me. On top of it all, my boyfriend comes out of nowhere and says that I've been acting weird and he has a "gut instinct" that I'm cheating on him. When would I have the time to cheat on him? When I'm in school? When I'm at home? When I'm with him 22 out of 24 hours a day, everyday? I hate when people say stuff like that. Anyway, I feel like I can go on forever, and that I do not want to do.
Later Days
X's and O's,
JillianVita

As I sit here thinking about my life and who I have become, so many thoughts cross my mind. I don't know who I am at all. In the past 2 years I have changed so much its rediculous. I often cry for no reason, I'm upset a lot of the time, I don't remember the last time I laughed until it hurt, I can't describe myself even if you gave me a dictionary of adjectives, and I don't know who my real friends are, or even if I have any. I've lost so many relationships that I'm not sure I can ever get back, it's scary. Today, I took a break from my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) of two and a half plus years, just so I can find out who the hell I am. I've woken up more times with swollen, burning eyes in the past 2 years than I have in my entire life. I'm sick of being so insecure, feeling worthless, and not being a whole unattached person. The littlest things bother me so much and I'm always on the defense, always have my guard up around everyone. Just once in a while I'd like to feel secure around other people, not afraid of upsetting anyone. This entry must be super random and not flowing at all but whatever. I have no idea if anyone has ever felt any of the ways I just described I feel, but if you haven't it feels like total crap. Imagine waking up not knowing what's going to upset you that day, but being sure something definitely will. The scariest part of all is that I was never like this before. I used to be so sure of myself, granted I may not have been happy with myself but at least I knew who I was. There's an old saying that goes "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything", and I guess this applies to me. After being told by someone who i held on the highest pedestal, that my family only loves me because they have to, and that nobody truly likes being around me they just suck it up and deal with me, over and over again I really believe it. Ahh I really don't know anything about anything anymore. No point in continuing the rambling..Later Days
XoXo
Jillian

OK Yea, so as everyone in NYC knows right now it's snowing like crazy...so my boyfriend calls me and was like "so you gonna walk over here?" meaning walk over to his house in the blizzard and then walk home later on tonight, when it gets really windy and supposed to pile up to 2 inches per hour. I'm like what do u mean? If I asked you to walk over to my house would u? And of course, he answered no. I don't get it. He'd rather have me walk over so that he can be home than him be a good boyfriend and just come here and get it over with. But that's another thing. He's so lazy and he is obsesssssssed with being home. Like if he had it his way he would never leave home...he would just stay home all day and watch movies and play video games, and I would be there watching him play video games or watching some lame action movie/car movie/gang/drug related movie that i have no interest in. It's just getting to a point where I voice all this anger to him and he still doesn't get it...like I'm just coming from left field with all these views. He's in a total state of self denial it's just gotten to the point of it aggravating me. So anyway, instead of coming to my house he decides that he was going to go outside and play in the snow...come on...you can't get ur lazy ass up to walk to my house but u can go outside and play in the snow like a 2 year old? I just don't get it. Don't get me wrong, everyone likes to play in the snow once in a while and it is fun to do but don't contradict yourself by saying you won't bring yourself to come to my house in the snow but you'll stay outside for 10x longer just playing in the snow. That kinda shit just doesn't make sense to me. Plus I was actually considering just walking over there without him knowing even though I really don't want to because I dont think its fair, just so I wouldn't have to hear about it later, but then I realized that 1)I would be doing something for him that he blatantly told me he wouldn't do for me and 2)I would be sitting in his house doing the things I previously mentioned I do at any opportunity he gets anyway. Whatever I know he's going to go on my livejournal account to read this and is, of course, going to have a problem with it, so let me stop before I get myself into even more trouble.
Later Days,
Xs & Os,
Jillian

Well, I really have not updated in just about a year so I figure now is as good a time as any. I got my grades for this semester 4 A's and an A-...which translates into a 3.925 or something like that. I'm pretty satisfied with that, finally. Anyway, not much different has been going on in my life but then again since my last update a lot of things are different in my life. I am obviously in college now, I am a freshman at Pace University in Manhattan, and I'm looking into going into marketing, mainly advertising. Jason thinks that being that (he thinks) I'm artistic and creative, that advertising would be the field for me. After much consideration (and the movies How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days & Killing Us Softly) I think he's right. Advertising is becoming such a huge part of everyday American culture and I think I would be pretty successful at it...I guess only time can tell. Anyway besides all that boring stuff, I thought it would be a good time to post some stuff that maybe some people do not know about me.

1) My full name is JillianVita Alexandra Lore (pronounced LAURIE...like the girl's name)
2) I have 20/70 vision and wear glasses when I drive
3) I am lactose intolerant
4) I don't eat red meat
5) I have scoliosis
6) I NEVER have underwear lines, but always wear underwear **wink wink**
7) I am really into street racing
8) I am learning how to play piano
9) Jason taught me how to drive stick (which I am slowly getting more confident at)
10)My favorite jeans are DKNY and are 99.9% of the jeans I own
11)That's my eye on my icon
12)My first kiss was from my first boyfriend in the 8th grade
13)My first boyfriend had his friend call me up to break up with me and told me that my bf had met someone in summer school who he liked better than me and didn't want to cheat on me, so he broke up with me instead
14)I don't hate many people
15)People usually get the wrong first impression of me
16)I am 100% italian
17)I have been told 10,000+x that I have a "ghetto booty"
18)I have a tattoo
19)I have a tongue and navel ring
20)I have more guy friends than girl friends
21)I am on the facebook
22)I love catching up with old friends and people I used to have crushes on
23)I was never the popular girl
24)I was usually the girl guys asked to be hooked up with one of my friends
25)It takes me an hour to get to school every day
26)I've lived in the same house for my whole life since I was 3 months old
27)I have a Marilyn Monroe poster on my wall
28)I share a room with my sister
29)I was voted most likely to become a rock star in the 5th grade
30)I have very little self confidence
31)There are A LOT of things about myself I would change
32)I love Alicia Keys
33)People are usually surprised when they realize I actually CAN dance
34)I listen to Soca, Raggae, and Calypso on a daily basis (I love Vybz Kartel)
35)I go with my boyfriend when he delivers Chinese Food
36)Yes, my boyfriend is a trinidadian who delivers chinese food...imagine that
37)My nextel chirp is 172*78*1936
38)I already have my wedding planned out
39)I would rather spend time with my boyfriend and his little brothers than go clubbing
40)My favorite food is broccoli

Anyway, much love to everyone and I promise I'll keep updating...
X's and O's,
Jillian

JILLIAN
J	is for	Juicy
I	is for	Ideal
L	is for	Loud
L	is for	Lively
I	is for	Ideal
A	is for	Adventurous
N	is for	Nerdy

I didn't mean to start any controversy when I posted my last entry, but I guess some people have very strong reactions to some of the things I said. I WAS NOT speaking about either of you guys...so don't take anything I say personally. I love the fact that you guys read my journal though!! Umm, yea, I respect both of you guys a lot, so please don't take anything I say into offense. Love yas
X's and O's,
Jillian

As it is quite obvious, I have not updated in a while. I'm not sure if much about me has changed, but I guess I'll just update on all the events as of late. Last night was law night, and I must say I am indifferent to it. I thought Mrs. Lerner would DEFINITELY make a comment about myself and Jason, but luckily enough, she did not. (Phew) I, being the most average student one will ever come across, did not get any special comments or awards, but that's fine by me. I guess you get out of things what you put into them. I DO NOT enjoy people in the law house sometimes. Especially those whom are arrogant and get a lot of things they may not necessarily deserve simply because they kiss the asses of people whom are in charge. I also do not enjoy people repeatedly speaking of their accomplishments or how great and special and wonderful they are. Note to these people: If you're the only one saying how great you actually are, maybe you're not all THAT great...you get me? (lol I sound like Shanecqua)I literally saw some people's, actually I really should say person's, head grow right in front of my eyes as they basked in the spotlight. Jason and I quickly contemplated a plan to enable this person's head to squeeze through the ever so large double auditorium doors...butter? oil? lol, anyway, wow, that irritates me beyond belief. But I guess somethings never change. And OH! if I had to hear about mock trial, moot court, international affairs and quality of life one more time, I think I may have shot myself repeatedly in the head. People who didn't even have to mention them did, just to hear themselves speak...get over yourself!! I hate fugly people so damn much. You're not cute stop playing the role. I can't wait to move on in my life. Prom, hopefully, will be fun and not too stressful. I can't wait to just end my high school chapter and start a new one. Senior awards is going to be another event I'm going to have to find someway to dig deep inside of myself and try to hold back my urges to vomit. I just CANNOT stomach some people. I'm done ranting!! Later days.
X's and O's,
Jillian

Well, so we meet again...I have the time to update, and so I will. My life has become drastically different within the past few months. I strongly believe I have come to a point where maturity is finally sinking in and I, to a certain extent, actually accept the individual I have become. I am not one to say that I am the most amazing person in the world, as I am not, but I can say with slight conviction that I am a much stronger, wiser, and more independent person. Independent...that's almost ironic seeing as how my whole world revolves around another person. This other person comes in the form of my love, Jason. I must say that he can be held accountable for most of these new found characteristics I now have. He has shown me the way the world can be...how I can almost live a happy existence at all times. While I am not saying the world isn't almost completely and utterly sinister, I am saying that I can overlook much of this and see the rainbow through the storm. There will always be people who try to break you down, and try to bring you to the point of self-hatred, but without those people most of us would not be as strong as we are, or stive to be. To have somebody fully and whole-heartedly accept the person you are, 150,000 flaws and all, is remarkable. I cannot honesly say that I have ever been myself in the most raw form, except with Jason, and for him to see me exposed and love me just the same is absolutely, wonderfully incredible. As cheesy as it may sound...he completes me. Everything I lack, he has. We're a puzzle for sure.
Xs & Os
JillianVita

Wow soo much has changed in my life since I've last updated. Me and "J" are now dating...since june 15th...5+ months and going strong. I love him!! He's absolutely perfect and wonderful. Senior year has been a rollercoaster. We finally won SING!!! AHHHH SENIOR SOPH 2004 VICTORY! I don't feel like typing anymore...I'll update later
X's and O's
Jillian

Yea I haven't updated in just about forever...I don't really feel up to writing this long entry to bring you up to date...but when I do I'll let you know...oh and yes, that is MY eye on the icon.
X's & O's
Jillian

Yea well basically I drove to school today I got there in 7 minutes...pretty crazy. My dad's car makes such wide turns I have to get used to that though. Anyway I don't feel so well but it's okie.
X's & O's
Jillian

I had the most amazing friday night. My friend Annie called me and was like "Jill take a shower and get ready to go out, my friend Jordan and his friend Ronnie are on their way to get me then we're coming to get you"...so this is like at 9ish so shes like "Jordan said Ronnie isn't the most gorgeous kid ever so I dunno" so I'm like aight no problem so I take a shower and leave my hair curly and down and I just wear like jeans and a tank and a jean jacket with sneakers. I'm not like trying to look all good or anything because really if he's not cute who am I impressing? So lol anyway, Annie comes in my house and was like "omgosh he has the hottest car" I'm like "ok no doubt" but I wasnt ready yet so 10 mins later I came out and this kid's car is a black 2003 bmw I'm like get the hell out of here and Jordan and Annie were sitting in the back and I got the front with Ronnie. So I looked at him and hes not ugly at all. He's not particularly gorgeous but he's definitely not ugly so I look at what he's wearing and it's black pants a grey button down with nice shoes and a nice belt so im like OK I'm definitely underdressed, but he was the only one really dressed up anyway. So Jordan's like "I have to go by SoundFactory to drop tickets off to these people im hoookin up" so, Ronnie gets us from my house to Manhattan in no joke 15 mins. So on the way there he's like "I'm gonna go get my jeans and sneakers from the trunk at a red light then I'll change at the next red light" so whatever, he gets his clothes and the next red light changes and he strips down to boxers and a wifebeater like right in front of me. He hands me his belt and it's prada and im like yea this belt is worth more than my whole outfit lol. So he's wearing these white DKNY boxers and I loveeeee white boxers on guys so im like aigght. So at this point I feel a little inferior. Not that money means anything, but it's quite obvious he as more than enough of it. So whatever, we get to Sound Factory and me and Annie were waiting outside for him and Jordan to park the car. So we all go in, and Annie and i get felt up by this he/she butch woman, but ronnie had like is arm around my waist and stuff so I was happy. 10 mins later we leave and me and ronnie went to get the car to get Annie and Jordan and he's like holding my hand and like running his fingers in my palm (very awww). So, we just head back and we cruised mill basin for a while and we went to get gas so while Ronnie was buying food Jordan was like what do u think of Ronnie? im like im not saying until I know how he feels about me, and Jordan said "Ronnie thinks you're madd sweet and really really pretty" so I'm like no he doesn't and he's like I swear he really does" so I'm like aight no doubt so then Ronnie comes back and drives me home gives me a kiss on the cheek but doesnt ask for my number. so im thinking, really how interested can he be? So i go into my house but i dont close the door and the cars still outside and then I go to close the door, he rolls down his window waves at me and leaves. So now I'm thinking, he cant be that interested if he didn't ask for my number or anyting but Annie called me when she got home and was like "omgosh they were talkin about you he was saying how sweet you are and how pretty you are and bla blah blah" so I'm like "Okk, why didn't he get my number?" so she's like "bc he didnt think you were interested in him" so im like "ohhhhh" but shes like "Don't worry I'll call Jordan and find out" so she called Jordan and Jordan's like "Ronnie really likes Jillian and whatever but he wants her to know what hes all about and he wants to chill with her more before she decides whether shes interested in him" so I now understand why he didn't get my number. So he's like "next weekend we'll go and pick you and her up and we'll all chill and whatever" to Annie, so now im waiting. Anyway...
X's & O's,
Jillian

Things are getting better again! This entry won't be long because I'm sure nobody reads my long entries, but anyway, I'm happy again! It's kinda sad that it's always a guy that makes me happy, but oh well. Anyway J and I are becoming better friends and we're truely establishing a bond...which is the most amazing thing. He is one of the most all around great people i have ever known. I didn't expect him to be the person he is, but now that I know how he is, I am thankful to have him in my life. It truely is like a breath of fresh air. Oh and Lex...technology sucks!

Umm SAT scores...congrats lex...I got an 1190...not excellent not bad...whatever. Umm Got a haircut that nobody really noticed because it was only a trim and angles. Ummm the day draggggged on to no end! I wanna go to sleep but I have 1000 term papers ugh!ttyl
X's & O's
Jillian

Well being that my subject basically describes the way I'm feeling right about now, just to elaborate a little bit...I didn't do anything tonight...at all, just like basically every other night of my vacation. It's so funny how people like pretend to be something to you they're so obviously not. I dunno I feel like this is the eigth time I'm writing an entry like this, so I'm just gonna stop writing...really, what's the point?
X's & O's
Jillian

I have a new user pic...me and my sister!!! I'm in a good mood I finally renewed my gym membership and am getting my nails done today and taking lauren to get her navel pierced...it's what I do...right Lex? Anyways ttyl.
X's & O's
Jillian

I think I have a serious eating problem. I eat once or maybe twice a day, and when I do I totally binge! Like it seems like there is just not enough food for me to consume and it can't be done fast enough. It's as if my body will never be full. It's only when I don't see anything else appetizing do I stop eating. But then, I won't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I don't purge or anything like that so I dont think I'm like bulemic and I hope this is just some weird hormonal problem that's temporary. I don't know what I would do if I had a serious diagnosable eating disorder. If anyone else has any idea what the hell is wrong with me or if you know anyone or if you yourself do the same thing please let me know!!
X's & O's
Jillian